Why Self-Compassion is Better than Self-Care
BY KATIE KERSHENBAUM, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND THERAPIST AT CAIRN COUNSELING
Have you ever felt low, overwhelmed, or defeated? Have you ever turned to the internet to help with these feelings? If you have, I am guessing that you've scrolled through lists of articles and blogs about ways to cope with difficult emotions or better manage hard days. In that self healing search, I assume that you've stumbled upon the term "self care" - a common term used in our culture.
We live in a "self care culture", where a lot of the language and advice around mental health and well-being is about just having a better self care routine! Oftentimes, this self care is portrayed as bubble baths and face masks, watching your favorite guilty pleasure TV show, or taking a weekend vacation. Although all of these things are wonderful, and I personally try to incorporate them into my own life when I can, these forms of self care aren't always accessible, realistic, or even helpful long term. They can act as a band-aid (a helpful and soothing one for that matter) but may not be addressing the root of what you’re going through and the reason that you need self-care in the first place.
The pervasiveness of self-care on social media within our broad self-help culture encourages us to rely on external things to help soothe and comfort us. Many of these external comforts can absolutely help lift our moods after a crummy day; but if we are relying fully on those bubble baths to heal us from things like social anxiety, low self-worth, or feelings of failure - those bubbles can fall short of the task of internal healing at times.
In my work as a therapist, I hold the view of building self compassion as a means for healing. Self compassion is a mindset, a way of thinking, and a skill you can learn. You can use self compassion at almost any time or in any place. Self compassion can be a tool to fight against self loathing and aid in building self esteem and self worth.
Just as you'd schedule in that bubble bath, you can intentionally make time and space in your day to practice self compassion. It is a continual practice and doesn't always come naturally or easy.
So, what is self compassion? Self compassion is pretty much what it sounds like: treating yourself with compassion, or viewing your challenges, hardships, and mistakes with understanding and kindness. In the same ways that you may show kindness to a friend who is suffering or to a loved one who has failed in an endeavor, you treat yourself with that same generosity and understanding.
Graphic by Johnine Byrne outlining Kristin Neff’s self-compassion research
Here are a few small steps to begin practicing self-compassion:
Make a list of things you like about yourself. Now, when you've had a bad day or are feeling low- go find this list and read it aloud. Maybe even multiple times.
Make a list of positive affirmations, things to remind yourself of on those harder days. Here are some examples:
"you did the best you could in the given circumstances"
"it is okay to have a bad day"
"it is okay to make mistakes"
"you don’t have to be perfect"
Build internal coping tools such as relaxation, mindfulness, meditation, maybe a yoga or movement practice that helps get you out of your brain and more into your body.
"Self care" is often depicted as something you do on your own: something that only YOU must work on to make things in your life feel a bit better. If you find yourself not feeling any better after practicing a self care routine or are struggling to practice self-compassion, don't be too hard on yourself. This is tough!
We live in a highly individualistic culture where a lot of the onus is on YOU to learn how to take care of yourself. Sometimes, we need help from others in order to do that and that is okay! Counseling can be another tool to use in supporting your self care/compassion journey. If you are interested in reaching out for some support in building a self-compassion routine, contact us! And maybe still give yourself that bubble bath every once in a while ;)